Here I am Alive.

I've gone through a lot of things in life. I've accomplished a lot of things. I've said and done a lot of things, as well. I've lived through it all. At the end of this month, I will be celebrating my 22nd birthday. This year, everything will change, again, and I will survive, again. I can't give up. I won't. Here I am alive.

Fix You.

Trying to fix a broken relationship is hard when your relationship is as broken as mine is. Going back to zero and putting all of those pieces together, it's like going through the war all over again. I don't know how to handle this. I've never been married, and I'm not a wife. I'm a stupid girl who got married because she was in love and couldn't live without the man she married. Now that I'm surviving without him, it's a lot more than that. I miss the understanding we had between each other. The subtle touches, glances, giggles, that only we knew why we were doing such things. The way we both understand that cuddling is meant for only 10 minutes and then we roll over to our sides of the bed and that's our good night. The way we knew how to touch each other, how to kiss each other. When we cried together...Everything, that has led to this. Every day is a new battle to fight in this war known as our marriage. Who can shoot who first? Who can hurt who the most. It's obvious...He who cares the least holds the most power. Right now, it's confusing as to who that is, but it's not a huge concern of mine. I just want my family back. I want the man I fell in love with back. I want this to end. This horrible chapter of us going back and forth between wanting a divorce, cheating, lying, being hateful...it's not who we were. This isn't who we were...but I'm starting to think that it's who we've become.

Custody.

It's such an unfeeling word, that strikes fear in the heart of separated parents everywhere. What is custody?

I will tell you what it's not. Custody is NOT a pawn you use to hurt someone else. I'm willing to share, however, my soon to be ex husband, isn't. Why? Because he knows it will hurt me, and he wants to make his mother happy. But who is a better parent? The pot head who refuses to take his depression meds? Or the anxiety ridden who does everything to try to be okay? Who loves the child more? Well, that's no question..neither. He's OUR son, we both love him more than anything...or do we? Who posts more pictures of plants more than his own son? Who talks about plants more than his own son? Hmmm...

Maybe this post is unfair. I always make a point to say that my future ex is a horrible husband, but a great dad, however, with certain pictures coming to light...it no longer seems that way to me.

A lot of people will argue that I "abandoned" my son. Really? Heavily medicated and being persuaded by my ex husband to take him back to where my ex lives is abandonment? In my honest opinion, it's borderline kidnapping.

Well, since this word has been thrown in my face just to hurt me, we'll see who wins the great Custody Battle.

The back burner.

Ladies, there is nothing more insulting than being placed on the back burner. You should always be number one. My best friend was recently put in this horrific spot, and I've watched her cry every time I am with her because of it. I also decided that the back burner was not for me, either. I will not be second to any woman.

I recently told off the person who put me there, and if you're reading this, thank you for finally making a decision and cutting me out of your life. It took me publicly humiliating you and your girl, but at least you got the hint that I don't want to be your "friend".

As for my mood this past week; I know a lot of you have been wondering why I haven't been writing. It's because I haven't needed to.

My husband finally came to a custody agreement with me, that I will not advertise on my blog.

Inner happiness.

For the first time in a long time, I'm happy being me. Being alone. I'm enjoying time with my friends, no men, and no love life to speak of. I missed being one of the girls. Playing pool and talking girl talk. For the first time in my life I had strangers buy me drinks. It was a new experience, but it boosted my confidence. I feel comfortable in my skin, without having a man on my arm.

My confidence now restored, I'm ready to do new things. I have a job interview today, with a job that makes a lot of money. If I get it, I should have my son back very soon, and be taking steps to buy a car. After those two things are taken care of, I'm going to get my own place, and be completely independent, taking care of my beautiful boy.

I don't need any man but my son. It feels so good to feel that way. I needed that confidence in myself.

I won't give up.

Lately, I've been doing some searching. Not for a man, not for myself, but for happiness. I think I'm finally comfortable in my own skin. I still believe I have huge personality flaws, but for the most part, I'm happy with myself. For the first time in years. With all of my recent rejections, somehow I have still held onto my self esteem. I didn't even know I had any.

I'm making a promise to myself today. I will never speak an ill word about myself ever again. There's no need for it. I'm a great mother, lover, friend, daughter...it's taken me too long to see these things, but thank god for best friends who make you realize what you can't see.

"Even the stars, they burn, some even fall to the earth."

I'm getting a job this week, come hell or high water. I want to work again. I miss it.

"I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not, and who I am."

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am worthy.

You can't always get what you want.

One of the most important things my mother taught me was to be a good sport. With as many things there are going on in my life, I have to remember to roll with the punches and just be happy with what I have...

I'm going back to work soon, and it's going to be nice having my own money again. I don't miss sharing everything with my husband.


I want to get back into figure skating. I did it for 9 years, and it would be so nice to get back on the ice again. I quit because of one coach, and that's no reason to not start up again. I just hope I don't break bones, haha.

Lonely nights.

Last night, I spent the night thinking. I thought about the past, present, and future. I thought about the brevity of life. I thought about being alone, and possibly staying that way.

I feel different. I feel ready to grab hold of the next bar in life. I'm ready to live. I can't wait to have my son back. I can't wait to show him everything.

My mother and I used to go to a mountain out here, we'd eat at the lodge and have hot chocolate in the winter. She'd take me to the pond and let me watch the fish. As I grew, we did that less and less, but every now and then, when things in reality are too much to handle, we still sneak away from the city and land right back where we used to spend our Saturday mornings. I want to be able to do things like that with my son, because I remember how much things like that meant to me.

All I can say is, chocolate fixes everything. Well, not really, but close.

I'm still breathing.

Today, I made a huge step towards my future. Today, I took and PASSED my pre-GED test. Today, I feel a little more worthy, but with every good thing, comes a bad thing, and like everything else in life, I have to take it with a grain of salt.

"Let's close this chapter, say one last prayer, but don't say that you loved me."

I'm still breathing, but I'm barely holding on. Taking the steps toward my future makes me feel better, but not completely. I've shut certain people out of my life, but everything happens for a reason..

I don't shoot sunshine up anyone's ass for no reason. Right now, I feel completely alone...because I am, and I think I want it that way. I'm tired of flipping out on people all the time, and I'm tired of being so damn angry.


However, I am very angry...

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.

* I HAVE DISABLED COMMENTS. *


I started this blog to help myself and others. That's what it will remain.


I can not stress how lost I feel, and how unwilling I am to push forward with life. Being ill all the time has put a huge toll on me. I feel like giving up. I feel like letting go. I know I can't, but I feel like being a coward. I'm tired of being brave. I'm tired of taking everything with a grain of salt. I'm sick and tired of life. My son is 900 miles away, my husband never wanted me, and I'm starting to hear more and more that it's time to grow up. No one realizes how I've been grown up for a very long time.

I can't believe I'm still alive. After 3 suicide attempts, you would think I would have been successful by now.

I haven't tried recently. I'm fact, I've been trying to avoid the thought altogether. I feel like no one knows the hurt that I'm feeling. I can't talk to anyone. I'm too ashamed. Too ashamed of how I feel and what I think about. I don't want anyone treating me like I am crazy. Today, I find myself curled in a ball, unable to stop crying. Why? Because I have no one left I can trust. I can speak to NO ONE. There's nothing in the world that hurts more than that.

I don't know what I'm going to do.