Here I am Alive.

I've gone through a lot of things in life. I've accomplished a lot of things. I've said and done a lot of things, as well. I've lived through it all. At the end of this month, I will be celebrating my 22nd birthday. This year, everything will change, again, and I will survive, again. I can't give up. I won't. Here I am alive.

Fix You.

Trying to fix a broken relationship is hard when your relationship is as broken as mine is. Going back to zero and putting all of those pieces together, it's like going through the war all over again. I don't know how to handle this. I've never been married, and I'm not a wife. I'm a stupid girl who got married because she was in love and couldn't live without the man she married. Now that I'm surviving without him, it's a lot more than that. I miss the understanding we had between each other. The subtle touches, glances, giggles, that only we knew why we were doing such things. The way we both understand that cuddling is meant for only 10 minutes and then we roll over to our sides of the bed and that's our good night. The way we knew how to touch each other, how to kiss each other. When we cried together...Everything, that has led to this. Every day is a new battle to fight in this war known as our marriage. Who can shoot who first? Who can hurt who the most. It's obvious...He who cares the least holds the most power. Right now, it's confusing as to who that is, but it's not a huge concern of mine. I just want my family back. I want the man I fell in love with back. I want this to end. This horrible chapter of us going back and forth between wanting a divorce, cheating, lying, being hateful...it's not who we were. This isn't who we were...but I'm starting to think that it's who we've become.

Custody.

It's such an unfeeling word, that strikes fear in the heart of separated parents everywhere. What is custody?

I will tell you what it's not. Custody is NOT a pawn you use to hurt someone else. I'm willing to share, however, my soon to be ex husband, isn't. Why? Because he knows it will hurt me, and he wants to make his mother happy. But who is a better parent? The pot head who refuses to take his depression meds? Or the anxiety ridden who does everything to try to be okay? Who loves the child more? Well, that's no question..neither. He's OUR son, we both love him more than anything...or do we? Who posts more pictures of plants more than his own son? Who talks about plants more than his own son? Hmmm...

Maybe this post is unfair. I always make a point to say that my future ex is a horrible husband, but a great dad, however, with certain pictures coming to light...it no longer seems that way to me.

A lot of people will argue that I "abandoned" my son. Really? Heavily medicated and being persuaded by my ex husband to take him back to where my ex lives is abandonment? In my honest opinion, it's borderline kidnapping.

Well, since this word has been thrown in my face just to hurt me, we'll see who wins the great Custody Battle.